Why isn't there mouse flavoured cat food?
Why have Bendy and McSheffchenko been shit since Christmas? Did it take that long for their previous coaching to be exorcised out of them?
How come Neil Danns, the pre season big spend, cannot get a game despite scoring 17 goals from midfield last season for Colchester?
Why do petrol stations sell highly inflammable barbeque equipment?
How is it possible that Cameron Jerome, scorer of twenty plus goals last season and an England under 21 player, now looks incapable of even hitting that stupid half time shed?
Where do all the dead birds go?
How come Rowan Vine can tear us apart twice this season whilst playing for Luton but only has one goal since joining?
Why is it that for years we have gone without a decent striker and now we have hundreds of them we still cannot score?
Is there even a Plan A?
Answers on the back of a postage stamp to the usual address ….
They lured us in again didn't they? Fooled us into thinking it was all different and everything was going to be wonderful.
They enticed us in to watch our heroes play against lesser opponents and then perform in a pitiful style that could well cost us the prize at the end of the road. Isn't it bizarre how a team so talented can play in such an inept and insipid manner against a side widely believed to be no hopers? But enough about England's display against the goat herders from the crap ski resort of Andorra ...
As I watched England play the other week I commented that they reminded me of the Blues. Pre match they always give me hope and fire me into a passionate state of mind that this time they are not going to let me down. Five minutes in I realise that once again I have been conned and nothing is different, nothing ever really changes.
Ok we lie third and can still be promoted blah blah blah get behind the team blah blah blah we've got twenty strikers in the squad blah blah blah.
In ninety minutes against Burnley we couldn't manage a decent effort on target. In fact we didn't have a shot on target let alone a decent one. That goalkeeper Jensen is rubbish, known as the Beast because he eats with his fingers and shits in his own garden, he couldn't cut it at the Whorethawns. After the final whistle he could have took his kit off, put his suit on without showering and gone clubbing. The seals wouldn't have moaned.
Burnley in 'ten men behind the ball shocker'. The Blues had 99% of the possession but it was always in the area of the pitch between both penalty boxes. In my ear on Capital Gold I have just heard Barnsley score and Broadhurst say 'typical Blues, loads of possession and no cutting edge'. This is the crux of it all. For Burnley read Barnsley. These teams don't care if you have the ball all day as long as it doesn't come into their penalty area. If you have ambitions of being promoted then you have to be able to score goals, the same malaise that has troubled us for years is still cursing us and it's not just the acquisition of more and more strikers that is the answer. Someone has to create the openings, the movement off the ball has to choreographed, the players have to be aware of how to manufacture chances when they are hard to come by.
A very small man I know supports the Wolves. He has the Napoleon complex and is as aggressive as Mike Tyson in a lap dancing bar with a vial of Rohypnol. And a semi. He told me last week that we were the worst team in the top eight and he wouldn't go to the bottom of his garden to see us play. I politely informed him that it was a good job his team had played well against Southampton because otherwise it could have been ten nil. His response was that even though they had been spanked the fans had still applauded the team and sang the manager's name because the performance by the Wolves was excellent. Even when we have won have we ever felt that euphoric about our performance? Probably not.
I just called him a bald midget. Then I put the phone down.
And moved desks.
And jobs.
I must remember to change my name to something nondescript like Darren Porter-Smith.
He'll never find me.
The way we are falling down the table he might forget about us!
It's been a tough few weeks and to compound the misery both matches have been watched by an unusually high proportion of Blues fans. The excellent incentive of reduced prices for St Andrews and free coach travel to Barnsley raised the hopes of us all. The performances have proved that once again the team is incapable of breaking down resilient opposition and has an inability to be motivated for these games. It is all so disappointing. Mind you the Wolves won, the dwarf was happy. Not all bad news eh?
Keep right on. All the way to the play offs and out of them. Wish I could be happier. I'm off to listen to Radiohead.