Who's the Bluenose off Sky?

At the time of applying I was laid up at home with a plastic cast around my knee, the result of an assault (by me!) on an opponent on a cold Sunday morning! Sky called and asked me to commentate on the Blues v Blackburn match; the game had been postponed from earlier in the season due to snow. Anyone remember the subsequent heaters that scorched the pitch? My first game was forgettable. Blackburn deservedly beat us 2-0 and Phil, the lard arse Blackburn DJ from the Upstairs Downstairs pub in Morecambe, never let me get a word in edgeways. I remember being nervous about how it had been received by the viewing public and calling my mum on the way home who brought me down to earth by saying ‘I listened for the first few minutes and then I put Eastenders on!’

Cheers mum.

I went on to cover both play off semi finals against Preston when we once again had our hearts broken by a late goal and the all too familiar penalty shoot out defeat. Sky were impressed enough to award me a few England caps and I commentated on games against Albania, Paraguay and more recently Turkey in the European Championships.

Sky called to see if I would like to be part of the revamped Monday Night Football (MNF) Show with Richard Keys and Andy Gray at the start of last season. It didn’t take long for me to agree and I’ve been there ever since. Most of the other fans live in or around the south of England. Sky had no problems finding a Manchester United fan but some of the others were not so easy. I probably travel the furthest for the show, along with the Liverpool fan who lives in Leicester and the Newcastle fan who resides in Stratford. The majority of the fans are like me season ticket holders but others rarely see anything other than what Sky show. This annoys me. Fancy representing your team in a live studio debate without ever seeing them play live! I’m sure there are many fans of those particular teams who would love to be on the programme and actually go to the games on a regular basis.

The Sky studios are on an industrial estate in Isleworth, East London near Heathrow Airport. The booth for the Fanzone commentators is on one side and the studio for the MNF show is on the other. Contrary to belief the Fanzone commentators are never at the game, the producers can control the environment and the material broadcast by keeping them hidden away in a small room! But the commentary goes out live, there is no delay and no opportunity for the producer to bleep anything out. Due to the type of fan ideal for Fanzone the passion often becomes unbearable and the odd swear word slips out along with the odd offensive comment be it racist or sexist. Pre show the producer always runs through a list of banned words and subjects. I was fortunate to commentate on the 2-0 victory against Villa last season but the amount of complaints for that show were unparalleled. No one complained about me but Craig, the Villa fan, was slaughtered for his use of Romany slang towards Robbie Savage. Apparently the travelling folk get upset at the use of words such as gypsy and pikey, apologies if any are offended here but I use the terms as examples. It’s the same with the alleged activities in the London Hotel and other impending court cases. Common sense prevails.

Regarding the MNF show, last season was infuriating for the fans on the panel. Quite clearly Keys and Gray were the stars of the show and they tended only to use the opinions of the fans with reluctance. This can be annoying when you’ve left work early, bombed down the M40, wolfed down a scabby sandwich and been meddled with in make-up only to be ignored during the discussion on your team's performance. None of the fans were sad to see them moved to the Champions League show. The new presenter Ian Payne has started nervously, fresh from the relative anonymity of radio. However he has genuine passion for the game and is always keen to discuss the feelings of the fans. We have all been far more involved this season than previously. Sometimes we get missed out, which is still disappointing, but events can move so quickly in football that the show has to react to them in order to appear current. A great example of this was the show after the sacking of Peter Reid. The script went out of the window and the show concentrated on the reaction to the worst kept secret in football.

So next time you’re watching the MNF show and some donut in a Blues shirt with ‘Dunn’ and ‘16’ on his back starts waxing lyrical about a complete load of crap have some sympathy. I’m making it up as I go along and trying to exact the most from my moment of fame! I try to always get a dig in about Villa and if I ever slaughter another team it’s generally because their fan on the panel is a knob.

And if ever I am on Fanzone you have to realise that the first rule is ‘Don’t commentate’. If people want to listen to a commentary then they will put Martin Tyler on and not come back to Fanzone. The second rule is ‘Never Shut up’! Periods of silence are regarded by the viewers at home as a break in the interactive transmission and they are likely to go to the main coverage. Talk about anything, the weather, the pub, balti pies, Robbie’s haircut, Dunn’s wayward mop, anything. So if you think some of it is waffling rubbish then that’s because it is. Some games are so poor that there is little to discuss and debate and that’s when it becomes hard to entertain the viewer.

If you have any queries for me leave a message on the board and I’ll answer them. If I get the chance to commentate on the Chelsea match then I’ll let you know and you can send in anything you want mentioned. This failed for the Charlton game cos no one had anything bad to say about them!

If you’re up on the Tilton near the back, block 13 row 36 come and say hello to the guy in the Blues shirt with Dunn on it and make sure you are carrying a cup of coffee, white, one sugar. It’s the least you can do!!!

Remember you can read more of this drivel in the Blues matchday programme.

KRO.