SkyDaz Banter: Pre-Newcastle

In order to sound knowledgeable when appearing on Sky’s Monday Night Football show I thought the least I could do is attend as many matches as possible last season. I was still listening to the bookmakers at this point who were insisting that it would be a one-season appearance for us in the Premiership. Therefore with my trusty, but battered, road map of England (no M40 though) I set off to an abundance of away fixtures. I had visited many grounds in my youth, when we were perennial relegation strugglers, but had a few new ones to investigate.

There were trips to Southampton, West Ham, Manchester United, Tottenham, Chelsea, Bolton, Fulham and finally to Newcastle. I had heard a lot about the Toon roar and the warmth of the Geordies. Some internet ground guides advised that it was not safe to drink in the pubs surrounding St James’s Park but this must have been out of date as I was made very welcome.

The ground is intimidating from a distance, clearly visible in the skyline and very imposing close up when you walk underneath the stands. The away turnstiles are separated from the main section of the ground by a road, you head in and double back up the steps above the thoroughfare although nothing can prepare you for the climb to your seats, except maybe an excursion up the north face of the Eiger.

After ten minutes of vertical ascending we reached Base Camp One. There, with a collection of other unaware and unfit Blue Noses, we took a breather, filled our canteens, made fire and encouraged each other for the final assault. Five minutes later, after the consumption of Kendal Mint Cake, we set off for the summit and eventually made the top in time for kick off.

The players were like ants and the ball was an invisible object chased by men in coloured football shirts.

The ground itself was built by a number of different people who all had their own ideas on how their part of the ground should look. The end result is a confusing optical illusion with varying heights and depths.

Unfortunately for me I was on the very back row with my head touching the roof. Any action on the pitch was relayed to me, through the clouds, via Chinese whispers. The people at the front knew Upson had been dismissed minutes before the pictures reached me. From the resulting free kick I felt a rumble and heard a roar and then saw the ball in the back of our net. One nil and only ten men, it was all downhill from thereon in, well the stairs were anyway!

I resisted attending this season’s encounter as I wasn’t passed fit by the Altitude Doctor and also it clashed with an alternative weekend training camp in Dublin. Dunn’s deciding goal provided great joy and I allowed myself a few pints of the black stuff to celebrate. After that it all goes a bit blank although the next day I did apologise to the donkey and send a donation to the RSPCA.

More of the same please. Three points off Newcastle I hasten to add and not the donkey.

Article reproduced with kind permission of the BCFC official matchday programme.